Woot, just got back from vacation going up to my granpa's house in mass. It was pretty awesome. I think the highlight was me and my buddy giving these 2 chicks lion tamers. That may not sound that great, but it's been a goal of ours for a while. Pretty much the best thing ever.....

Me and my friend were talking to the one girl mentioned before while playing pool and I don't understand some people. I think I say that a lot. We're both giving her advice. She explains a situation, we say "this is how it is" and we're right. I know we are. And I think she sees it too. But then she goes back with her friend......who I think I'm disliking more and more every day.....and none of the advice gets through. Even my friend who gets on my back all the time for helping this girl out a lot, said to me after she left that he felt bad for her. It's because she's a nice person that's taken advantage of a lot and seems to be manipulated easily by her friend. It won't change. I really wish it would.

The thing is I don't think she realizes how guys think(MOST guys). We were all drinking a bit at the time which made being completely honest a whole lot easier. We pretty much said that most guys who would invite 2 chicks to a mountain house would just be getting them drunk to have sex with them, and would just be trying to at least make moves on them constantly. And a lot of guys have that plan even just at parties, why would you think people bring so much beer? To get lucky. The people that do that obviously don't have respect for the girls. My friend kind of singled me out(a little awkward for a moment but right) and said how I haven't even made a move on her the whole trip even though I like her. It's because I respect her(not necessarily for her actions, but rather that I would never want to take advantage of her). Guy after guy that we talked about that she is interested in are horrible examples of how to treat someone. I'm just waiting for the chance to tell her what I've learned from being around her and her friend about how to attract girls. All the things I've been doing wrong the past few years.

For one, if I meet someone it's important to get as far with that person as I can in the first meeting. If I can get sex....awesome. That should be my goal. And it's great for the guys because we don't have to make titles like "boyfriends" or anything because we can just say we're "getting with" a chick, but the beauty of it is we can get with multiple girls at the same time and no one will care because the relationships aren't official. And if I decide to just ignore a girl for a few weeks to get with another one more often? It's cool because I can just start talking to her whenever I feel like and she'll come crawing back. It's perfect. And if I ever want to have sex with a girl and she won't do it at first, all I have to do is beg blatently for a few weeks and they'll come around. Especially if alcohol is involved. Plus they will still think I really care about them after I just used them!!

So what I should never do anymore is be open and honest with a girl, go out of my way for them, NOT try to get in their pants everyday, and care about them. This seems pretty simple. I got this ;)

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Something I'd like to say to someone but don't think I ever would.



WTF? Seriously. This has really got to me over the past few weeks. I care so much about you as a friend, but at the same time I'm finding less and less reason to hang out with you. I have a good time when we do though, I haven't felt used even if some people see it that way. It's cool. It's just you could be so much better. Really. You let other people control you constantly, you have little drive to improve your situation in life, and I've kind of just felt unappreciated. Your best friend hasn't been much help in your life. All these choices you tell me about that you regret can be traced back to her. She's hardly a beacon of what a moral person should be. I know you've been through a lot of the same situations growing up so you have this connection, but your not her. You don't have to be her. You can be better. She brings you down. Just because she likes something or wants to do something, you don't have to follow in her footsteps. They usually lead you down the wrong path anyway.

Look, you're old enough to take care of yourself. You're not helpless. You get jobs and quit right away because you don't like them. Your first job will almost always suck. It's money though. You get experience, go somewhere else. I know with your family you haven't always had the opportunities a lot of people have had but you don't do much to change. You make excuses over and over again. Excuses don't get you anywhere. I'd like to see you happy and succeed in something but there always seems to be something holding you back. Everyone goes through rough times, it's not a reason to stop trying.

You know, I do a lot for you. I don't mind it either. I'd do it for any of my friends in an instant and don't think twice about it. My biggest thing with friends is I want to be there to listen and give input. But you make a bad choice, I'll give you advice...and you REALLY seem to listen. Like "hey, that's great advice, you're right" yet this pattern of behavior continues. A lot can be instigated by friends but you control your own actions. I just try to be there to give you a different point of view. You don't hang around with the greatest crowd, you really don't like staying around your family so I like being an outlet. I like to be that person that you can tell everything to. I feel I can do the same with you. I just don't want to see you making certain mistakes all the time. If I tell you that 95% of guys are a certain way, it's because it's true. I'm a guy, I'm around them all the time, it's true. And obviously in your life you've seen the same things that only go to show I'm right. I'm beginning to see these actions as a much bigger flaw in you rather than you not knowing any better. People like to tell others about their views on life, and being around others I think they tell their ideal views. The things they really wish they could live up to. Problem is, most people don't hear that and will only see your actions. No matter how much you would like to do things differently, you don't. That's what I see, and what everyone else does too.

You could be so much happier. I don't even mean that I would be the one to do it, because I know that it's not just something you wouldn't go for, but more and more it's something I don't even want. There is someone out there I'm sure. Maybe someone that would tell you this to make a change in your life. When you come to me saying "I just met this guy, he's really nice" then go on to explain how he's not only getting with(making out with.....) you but he's been getting with another chick for a few months.... now where does the "nice" come into play? There have been a lot worse things too that just make me wonder why you give some people chances? Do you like being the victim in your life? Can you not live without drama in your life? It seems to go beyond you having bad luck but rather you choose to be unhappy. Like these short relationships/ little flings are easy because they don't require much effort. You could really like someone, take your time to get to know them, then proceed to a physical relationship but that takes time, it's hard sometimes. And I say "what happened to back in middle school when someone would be all shy but work up the courage to ask a girl out. Then after a while they would hold hands. Maybe soon after there would be a kiss on the cheek, then lips, and this would take over a month?" The guy wasn't necessarily thinking how much he wants to have sex with the girl. They just like eachother and like being around eachother. And you go along with that, agreeing that things used to be better/easier. You didn't have to worry about sex and all that comes with it. But still, you throw that thought away. It's one of those traits of your ideal self you've abandoned by your actions. You can change that. There are good people out there. You don't find them by getting drunk and getting with them. I'm just kind of tired of hearing any drama. It's dumb shit that gets you into it. It must just be you then. I wish those one-on-one conversations I have with you would be the real you. The ideal you. And that's what I've been wanting to see. I would never tell you this because you wouldn't change, but I still hope you do.

Last night before 12 my grandpa passed away :( We were waiting for a call from my aunts starting around 7 or 8 because the nurses said they didnt think he'd make it through the night. My mom was understandably very upset, I'm not sure the last time I've seen her like that. She was in bed and came out to the living room to tell me then just sat on the couch and cried for a bit. I don't think I could take a parent dying at all. Even just the thought of that eventually happening is incredibly sad. If anyone in my immediate family passed away I'd be devastated for weeks I think. When I had the car accident at the end of last year, for a moment thought my brother was dead it was horrible. I probably could have killed myself, not even exaggerating. Looking back it's obviously not the way to deal with that problem but it was the worst feeling I have ever felt. Now, that would have been a little different from someone in my family having a heart attack or something since the first instance would have been my fault, but I wouldn't take a death well. I don't take thinking about family and friends dying well. That's why I'm dilusional and choose to believe everyone I know will just be there forever.
I'll miss you grandpa, I know where you are and hope to see you one day again.

So this last girl I was talking about, I really like her. We get along really well, we can talk about anything, it's pretty good. Problem is, I'm deffinitely in the "friend zone". What's that crap? It's where you go when you're obviously the best option for them to go with but instead they go for people who don't treat them well, or if they do care, their actions aren't showing it. Then they will complain to the person in the friend zone about it. Yea. It's cool....I can deal with it. I have a really good time being around her so I can't say I mind much. BUT, I know in a few months it'll just keep getting to me. I'm at the point now where I actually miss her. I don't see her for a few days and I really want to see her again. She heard that I liked her once from a friend who thought they would be helping me out by telling her(when they drank a little...). I knew once my friend told me that it wasn't going to go anywhere from that. It's not like it's not obvious anyway. It's just that now I'm seen as a friend. I'm told how to get out of it by other people. It all involves paying less attention, not being available, and generally just not being as nice. For some reason that seems counterproductive in my mind yet it works well for people in practice. People are warped. I don't get them. I'd like to be able to say " I care this much about you, You mean this to me" but it would either a) do nothing or b) make things awkward. There isn't a c because I know she hasn't been thinking the same things. It's disappointing. I'll keep looking....