Ugh

Lately I have felt really torn about someone. I met this girl my senior year of high school. From the first time I saw her I really wanted to get to talk to her but I was kind of shy. Luckily one day she was sitting behind me on a bus and introduced herself to me. From then on we always said hi in the hallways, she gave awesome hugs too, but I never really got to know her very well outside of short talks in school and such. The problem was, after her being in our school for only 2 or 3 months, she moved out of state. Surprisingly after this we talked a good amount more, I even found out she liked me this whole time(a little late to know?). It worked out well for a bit, lots of myspace messages/aim. We kept in contact. She came back a few times which was awesome to see her. This was over the course of 2-3 years. I looked for other people, had some interests but I still thought back to her now and then.
Recently I decided to visit her, about a 4 hour drive, but I haven't seen her for over a year by this point. You don't realize how much you really missed someone till they are back in front of you. She was incredible. I can't use love, because it's not, but after everything we did together I wanted to be with her. Just when I was driving, her reaching over and grabbing my hand, or when I was sitting against her couch on the floor she laid down behind my and put an arm around my neck. I just leaned my head back against her face and closed my eyes, it was something I REALLY wanted. To have someone there that I like and to get affection back.
I've pretty much avoided most relationships/physical contact with girls most of my life. I've had the opportunities, and am pretty secure with myself in saying my looks weren't hindering me from doing anything(or at least I hope not...heh), but it's something I wish I did. Just pursued SOMETHING. I get to the point where I'm now 20, and seem way off course in experience compared to other people. I'm a virgin, just hooked up with 2 girls, my first kiss wasn't even till I was 18. I'm not complaining about a lack of sex, I'm fine with that. Moreso complaining about not finding the right person by now. I feel like I just can't connect with 95% of people. When I hang around most people I don't understand their actions/thoughts. I'm very adaptable to this though and can be friends with everyone, but I've always kept only a couple close friends. There's a select few that I can say that I'd be a different person if I never met them, then there are my good friends that(not to make them sound like they don't matter, they do) that kind of just fill in space. Some of that group is included in people I don't totally connect with, but we still get along well. We could vent to each other, or mostly people vent to me because I'm not sure if I've really done that more than a handful of times in my life. We also have similar interests and can hold conversations. These people are rare to find but not as rare as the closest friends, the ones I've known for years and will always be friends with.
ANYWAY, back to the girl that moved. When I visited her there was one moment that sticks out in my mind over everything else and I think is what hangs my mind up on her more than anything. She was laying down on a motel room bed after us being at the beach half the day. It was because we were together when I booked the room, so we checked it out together before going to the movies. It was the first day I came down(stayed for 2) and up to this point the only physical contact I had was a hug when I first saw her. To skip around in the story a bit.......we were laying on the beach earlier in the day both looking at each other. I was in the middle of a sentence but was distracted by her eyes. They were beautiful. She has green eyes but around the pupil it's yellow? Amazing, I kind of stopped my sentence to tell her. So just being near her most of the day I would have been completely content with just holding her hand, It would of meant a lot.
Back to the motel. I washed my hair real quick to get rid of some sand then joined her on the bed, but I kept my distance. I knew I could have went right next to her and I'm sure she would have welcomed it but I'm kind of a nervous guy. I don't make first moves well. We talked for a while. It was really nice to finally see her after so long. After about 15-20 mins maybe of talking we got into this odd question on the form I filled out to get the room. It went something like "In case of an emergency, do you need assistance?". We got a laugh out of it going over all the possible dangerous situations we could get into there but since I answered "No" they wouldn't help me(we came to the conclusion it's for handicapped people for a fire or something). During this we heard some noises outside, she joking asked what I'd do if that was someone breaking into the room. Of course I responded with I'd have to protect her, and I gestured my body towards hers to pretend like I'm shielding her, but then went back to my position on the bed.
It was about here where she grabbed my hand, closed her eyes, and pressed the back of my hand against her cheek. That did it for me. I don't know if other people would understand this, but that's in like a top moments in my life. I just laid there for a moment looking at her, she remained at my hand tightly pressing it against her face. My heart just exploded, idk what happened with my breathing but it's almost like I forgot how to for a moment. It was irregular for a good minute. I just shifted my body next to hers and put my free arm around her. The only thing I could think of to say was how much I missed her. I meant it too. I realized it there. That was the only place I wanted to be at that moment and it was one of the best feelings to have. I don't think she knew how much that meant to me, I hope it meant something to her, but that moment is stuck in my head. There was some making out/ect. after.... but really, I prefer that closeness. I'd take hugs/cuddling any day.
The rest of the day went well, I saw her the following day for 4-5 hours then left. She even came to visit at the end of the same week. I was the first person she called and hung out with once she was here so that felt kind of special since I know she has other friends in the area. We did some hiking for a while. As we were leaving the trail I asked her to stop and just leaned over and kissed her. On the way back home she told me to stop driving at a stop sign to do the same.
I grabbed her hand and she held mine tight, us both assuming I'd be taking her home at this point......didn't really happen. We ended up hanging out much later than her parent's curfew would allow but it was well worth her parents disliking me now.
So, problem is now, she lives so far away and I think about her way too much. We're still talking but it's just not the same as being next to her. I found someone that I would date for once and it can't happen. The more I think about it the more I wish I was there, or she was here. Even so, I've tried very hard not to appear so attached to her. She knows I like her, but I really don't want to make feelings stronger for either of us if I can't always be there for her. I need to go to bed to get it off my mind, but I'm sure I will be dreaming about her. I've never really written to explain in this much detail my life but I need something to vent to. I guess......Goodnight.