I miss the feeling of being next to someone. All through my life I have never found a girl I knew would always be there. It's like I meet somone, and it just becomes a tease to my mind. Nothing plays out, people don't stay around. I know this last girl I talked about won't pan out in the end. I wish it would, but it won't. It's been the same with people before even if it hasn't gone as far. Something in me just kind of hinders any progress to a relationship stage. I'm shy, indecisive, quiet......I don't feel like a relate with most people.

A few weeks ago I was with two of my brothers and one of their girlfriends. They were trying to give some helpful advice for finding someone but I couldn't see where they were coming from. Society seems very hypocritical in messages it puts out. On the one hand you always get the advice to just be yourself. That's the first thing you hear. There is nothing wrong with who you are and there is always someone out there for everyone. On the other hand you have thousands of books written for how to to find a mate, all saying "Here is the best way to act/what to do to stand out in the crowd. THIS is how you find someone".....like just being yourself won't work. You must be this, this, and that in order to get a girl. Or my favorite topic.....How to stay out of the friend zone. Which seems to contain the basis of "Don't be too nice to a girl because women only like guys that treat them like shit".

Male-female relationships get confusing at times because I know we both think differently. From a guys standpoint, if I'm hanging out with a girl who I find attractive and get along very well with, I like her. It's simple and to the point. If I'm making effort to hang around them it's pretty much a given that I'd like more than friendship. On the other hand a girl can think a guy looks good, get along well with him, and even have that guy be one of the nicest people ever to her and she may just think of him like a brother. And you can't go out with your brother, that's just weird. Plus, on top of that, tell the guy how every person she meets treats her like shit. That's the difference. So, this is what I'm working with, always. People say act yourself and that is where it gets me. But, the alternative is to practice on ignoring people, pretending I don't care and somehow that makes a girl want me more? That's advice I get. When it's written out it sounds crazy but somehow in practice it works just fine. I'm just not willing to do that. It would be hypocritical of ME since I call all the guys that do that dicks. Can people just not be open about feelings? It seems to be the case.

How does Disney make so much money on all those cartoon romances anyway? When girls are young that's the crap they watch and think to themselves THAT is the type of guy they want. The one that is caring, compassionate, would do anything for them. The person who goes out of their way to help her. Yet when they are older and go for the opposite. Back in middleschool, sure, some girls were like that. Maybe even a few early in highschool. By the time I turned 20, the numbers have dwindled. Compliments used to do a lot, but after so many guys do it without any feelings behind it, just to get in a girls pants, I can see how they are now just taken with a grain of salt. Even so, I still want to understand where the girl's point of view is coming from. I even hear admittance about how some only date assholes, yet the pattern continues. This is very frustrating. Really. You don't even know. Especially if it's someone I like telling me stories all the time about how all these people take advantage of her, and the shit that has to be dealt with. It's like "I know how you could fix this...wink wink.....".

I'm in this position a lot where I really would like to help people out, and the best way I know how to do that is to present them with the alternative to the type of relationship they have been used to. If someone is always taken advantage of them and they constantly have to wonder "does this person just want me for sex? Does this person really care?" ....there are people who don't do that. If I'm hanging around you all the time, doing things for you all the time, listening to everything you say and actually caring about your life, and most of all not putting you in awkward positions by trying to get in your pants every second(or making any out-of-place physical contact for that matter), I'm trying to give you hints. Who the hell just comes out and texts/calls someone saying to come over and have sex? Seriously, people are doing and some people don't seem to realize(even if they aren't taking the guy up on the offer) that this guy isn't someone they should associate with. I like to think that one day the people I try so hard help will see WHY I'm trying so hard. I want other people to be happy, and I'd like to be the person to make them happy.

Back to my beginning paragraph.....I know there is someone out there.....somewhere. I'm an opitmist, and I'm sure someone will come along when I don't even expect it......maybe right around the time I give up hope(who knows.....that may be soon). In anticipation for that I have been thinking a lot about how little I do. Or rather, how little I experience. I do work a lot and go to school......so I "do" enough". So, I don't mean relationships but the world in general. I really want, over the next couple years, to do a lot of stuff on my list in my mind of things to do before I die. The list changes a lot, but I think there are plenty of ways to better yourself. One is by trying and doing/experiencing a lot of things. I've taken up skydiving already and that was a dream I had for a long time. I still would like to go out of the country, base jump, get a motorcycle!!!!!, climb a mountain, watch a sunset from on top of said mountain, as well as just get fit(I'm sure with a few more mins I could get a long list going). For now I want to work on getting in better shape. I love myself(maybe even a tad bit conceited about myself), but there are things I'd like to change. A few months ago I started working out as well as cutting out soda/juice and replacing them with water. It worked awesome, I dropped 10-15lbs and was getting a little more defined body. I liked it. Not going to lie, I looked in the mirror a lot....self-confidence is very important to me. I like to think that the only person I have to impress is myself, and I like to impress myself. The problem is I stopped it about a month or so ago. Pretty much everything is back to how I was to start. I need to get back into it and I'd love to go much further. I want to run a whole lot more, eat a whole lot better foods, and do what I can to make my body the best it can be. It's not necessarily to be more attractive to women, but so at least when I find that special someone it would almost be a gift. Like "I've been doing this all for your benefit". I'm not looking for someone who is superficial, but hey, if I can make myself even more attractive to my partner....why not? I'll track my progress on here. My scale is quite inconsistent, some digital crap scale....so I'll need another soon but for now I'm at 151.5. I'll try not to set myself up for disappointment so let's aim for being at least down to 148-149 by next sunday, that sounds good. Then maybe the following week down to 145. My target is 140 by a month, completely feasible. That was what I made it to before and I liked it :)

Anyway, this has taken a couple hours to write between this and poking around through the internet so maybe it's time for bed. Night.