Today was alright. Worked for a bit then hung out with a friend for a while. We played some pool, drove around and talked for a bit. It was a good time. It ended up very disappointing though. Now to start, with most of my friends I do care about them but they make decisions and I don't feel obligations to guide them in their lives. People make their own choices....it's cool. I can give an opinion if asked but it won't change the friendship at all. One thing came up tonight though that kind of suprised me. It's not a big thing, but the girl I was hanging out with recently started smoking. It concerned me much more than I would have thought. Like, half my friends smoke, but still. For some reason I see a difference when girls do it. May be a double standard but whatever, I don't do it at least because of how I see it. I was really worried about her. I didn't want to see that. I know with some friends of mine we could look at a girl and say, "hey, she looks pretty good" but then if she's smoking it drops her down a bit. It's very unattractive. Seriously, not good. And this is someone I really care about and I see her starting with the stereotypical, "I don't do it often. I only do it when I hang with this person. I only do it if I drink". And yea.....I let drinking slide. If a girl drinks, it's preferable she doesn't....but if she does I don't really mind. With this person smoking I wanted to try very hard to just guilt her out of it. I don't want to say, "Man, that's incredibly unattractive", but I felt like I should of. I don't know where my opinion really would stand with her though since a lot of people she knows smoke too. People use "social smoker" as justification. Like only smoking around all their friends that do it makes it fine. We all know that it won't lead to addiction.....Fuck............people..............

MAN among Men

Today I visited my grandpa on my mom's side in hospice. He contracted alzheimers like my grandmom did but recently had pneumonia in both his lungs. It dropped his condition dramatically and even though he was treated for the pneumonia he hasn't come back from it mentally or physically. My brother Matt and I went to northern Pennsylvania(about 4 hours) to my aunt Judy's house where my mom has been staying a little over a week. The place my grandpa is staying is only about a mile from there. Right now my grandma and grandpa are both staying in the same room there, both unresponsive and bed-ridden. It really isn't the way I wanted to see any of them go. My grandpa's whole life he's been completely self-sufficient. Had his own business, built himself up to a well respected man where he lived, and genuinely enjoyed life. He was exactly what I want to be when I'm old. He had his hobby of collecting tractors that he loved almost more than anything. If he saw any tractor he could give you the make, model, and year.....plus be able to build it if he had the parts. I remember when I was younger seeing him bring out all his tractors after the winter to start them up for the first time in the spring(he restored and collected a lot, like 15-20?) . It was an event to see. They would all be taken out one by one, and driven around the property. If one didn't start he would work all day till it got running. If he didn't have to eat or sleep I think he could have lived in a shed next to a Massie-Harris tractor.

He was one of the hardest workers I know. He worked his whole life till his body wouldn't let him. And even after that he kept going till his mind was slipping. When he was put in a home he still imagined working everyday and would tell stories about all the work he did that day or the night before. He loved going to this little shop/gas station called Friendly Fred's that wasn't too far from his house. Everyone there knew him and liked him. He loved meeting new people too. Especially if they knew something about tractors, he could go on and on with people for hours about them. He was an expert bulldozer operator too and worked on many of the roads in his area. From things I heard, he did things on those machines other operators didn't even think were possible. Like the machine was an extension of his body. He was the chief of police in his town for years. In the basement of his house, next to his Chief of Police plaque, he had a big slab of stone that had dinosaur footprint fossils on it. How many people have that in their house? He collected glass bottles and had hundreds of antique bottles all over the basement. I know one day I'm going to be visiting the house after all of that is cleared out......it'll be a sad day. So many good memories there.

I don't really talk about my grandma a whole lot because I didn't know her as well. She was diagnosed with alzheimers in 2000 and declined pretty quickly. It may have been 2003 or 4 when she was put into a home. I do know that my grandpa loved her even more than his tractors. He visited her everyday. Even after she stopped walking, stopped talking, and stopped responding to almost everything he kept going. She didn't know who he was but he stayed next to her and always told her everything that was going on. Once he was diagnosed he moved into my aunts house. My grandma was moved into that area and he
kept visiting her as much as possible. When he was declining more and more he was put into the same room with her. He loved that. Sometimes a nurse would go in the room to shut off the light and he would stop them, saying that his wife needed the light because she was reading. He imagined many conversations with her and remained upbeat through everything. It wasn't until recently that he got pneumonia, which he had before but recovered from. His mind just never came back. When we walked into the room today it was pretty emotional. I had to make a big effort not to cry. He was asleep but they had this christian DVD playing. It was made by the Gaithers. They are this church group that travels around the country with a choir and plays in venues all over. They sell out stadiums, and are one of the most well-known Christian groups around. My grandpa had so many of their tapes/videos and watched them almost every night. He was a devoted christian. I can still hear him playing his organ to all these religious tunes. As he got older his hands began to shake more and more and this became pretty difficult for him to do. He still tried but his fingers didn't always go where he'd like them to. Watching the Gaither video in his room almost had me in tears. He wasn't the same anymore. His health was only getting worse, his mind is gone, and they are expecting him to die in the near future. My grandma's health is actually good as in no physical problems, doesn't get sick or anything, just her head it out of it. Both of them are just laying there dying by eachother's side without even being aware of it. We sat there in the room for maybe 2 hours, my mom, matt, and me. It's not the kind of state they should be in. No one should. Life doesn't give any breaks just because you were a good person, even a great person. In a week, in a year, who knows what could happen. My grandpa lived everyday doing the things he loved. He's a model for what I'd like to be. I bet he had no regrets in life because everyday was enjoyed to its fullest. He's going to be the first close relative I had die. My grandma on my dad's side as well as his father, but I knew them very little, especially my dad's dad who I'm not sure I've even met before. Everyone is just preparing for the death now, I don't know how well or bad I'll take it. Though I think it is best that he passes soon, I can't look forward to it.

I'm really liking my philosophy class, especially since it seems a lot of students get involved with the discussions. In most other classes I've had the teacher directs where everything goes to and there isn't a whole lot of flexibility in a question-answer forum. With this class, one question leads to another, which leads to another, and everything just evolves from there. Students respond well to this and many people have input on what we talk about. Today, one thing we talked about was how to be an agent of change. Or rather, who has the most power to promote change in the world. I forget the start of this, it was kind of ambiguous, but those are narrowed down topics. Even with everyone being from a different background, different party affiliation, you can see similarities in grievances people have with the government. Not just this current one, but government as a whole. The issues brought up by the media are not always the ones cared about by the people. This is contrary to what you would think the media is there for. They should to be there to appeal to what everyone's interests are, find out the facts and lies that companies/politicians say, HELP people be informed citizens. When you sit a bunch of students all in a room together for a serious discussion, those are points most agree on. Then why is it that the news can get such good ratings when most people seem do dislike what is shown day after day. How if you watch the news for over 20 mins it will loop hour after hour?

I think people are different as a society than they are individually. When it comes down to it, I think most people(even incuding myself many times) are quite hypocritical. Society thrives on drama. Who just wants to be informed? We want to be entertained!! BUT, in a classroom setting(mind you, my class is diverse in age/gender/race) everyone claims they want to hear the facts. They don't care about about all the tabloid BS, they want reporters who do their job and aren't out just to ruin someone's career because it would make great ratings. Those reporters are only doing what everyone who is tuning in wants. If they weren't.....they would be out of a job. In todays media, the pundit that is the loudest is the most right. If you can shut louder than your opponent then you win. It's almost as if Jerry Springer is back on the air. They put such crap on TV that I wouldn't put even close to news-worthy but everyone eats it up. It's disgusting.

I used to watch the news all the time, I genuinely hate it now. Politics is one of my interests too but I can't stand watching news anchors report on it any more. I'm not going to point fingers at the liberals or conservatives in media as one being more dominant than the other, because no matter which side you go they become incredibly biased. It's from this black or white mentality. There is no gray. In addition to that, you have people who can never admit being wrong, they suddenly become an immovable wall. Any argument can be deflected with obvious bs. Some things that come out of a person's mouth.....you just got to say "they can not be that stupid to hold that position". In the face of all evidence against them some will continue to push their failed logic over and over again like if they say it enough people will forget its wrong. Or by saying it louder will validate it.

Speaking of bias.....I like watching Hannity and Colmes for the shear commedic value of it. You have a show on Fox news, the same station that picked up Karl Rove and Mike Huckabee as contributors to the station, as well as their obvious bias in every other thing they do. Now this show is supposed to be 2 sided, you have Sean Hannity as a Republican and Allen Colmes(think thats his first name....) as a Democrat. This would be fine for any normal show. They could tell both sides of an argument, give differing points of view, debate, but no. Ever watch it? Hannity pretty much dominates the show for one. I think Colmes must hate his life because he is shut up over and over. I can see the frustration in his eyes when Hannity interrupts everything he says and doesnt allow a rebuttle. He kind of got smart though and now throws his rebuttles in the moment before a subject change or commercial break so Hannity won't put him in his place. This is what news is reduced to. There is no debate, there are no new ideas presented, just the same shit over and over all day. And what do we get out of it? The news only reports on important issues around election time. Where was the Immigration and Healthcare crisis before then? Suddenly politicians care too? No, they just realize now that their asses are on the line since people suddenly decided to pay attention.

I wonder how many people actually look at voting records. I wonder how many people actually fact-check what they hear on the news. Incorrect statistics are spread all over and everyone takes them as facts. My parents tell me things they've heard, most recently about how bad obama's voting percentage in the senate is. They were way off from what it really was and Mccain's was actually worse....a little bit of information left out by whoever said it. Statistics can be easily manipulated, especially when used alone without context. That's how someone can push their agenda. I hate Micheal Moore because of that reason. "Facts" in his movies are so carefully twisted in order to show what he wants you to see. If you need to make up things or completely use information out of context for a movie, you can say that your point of view is wrong or at least completely misrepresented.

I have a lot to say.....but it's getting late and I need some sleep.

I miss the feeling of being next to someone. All through my life I have never found a girl I knew would always be there. It's like I meet somone, and it just becomes a tease to my mind. Nothing plays out, people don't stay around. I know this last girl I talked about won't pan out in the end. I wish it would, but it won't. It's been the same with people before even if it hasn't gone as far. Something in me just kind of hinders any progress to a relationship stage. I'm shy, indecisive, quiet......I don't feel like a relate with most people.

A few weeks ago I was with two of my brothers and one of their girlfriends. They were trying to give some helpful advice for finding someone but I couldn't see where they were coming from. Society seems very hypocritical in messages it puts out. On the one hand you always get the advice to just be yourself. That's the first thing you hear. There is nothing wrong with who you are and there is always someone out there for everyone. On the other hand you have thousands of books written for how to to find a mate, all saying "Here is the best way to act/what to do to stand out in the crowd. THIS is how you find someone".....like just being yourself won't work. You must be this, this, and that in order to get a girl. Or my favorite topic.....How to stay out of the friend zone. Which seems to contain the basis of "Don't be too nice to a girl because women only like guys that treat them like shit".

Male-female relationships get confusing at times because I know we both think differently. From a guys standpoint, if I'm hanging out with a girl who I find attractive and get along very well with, I like her. It's simple and to the point. If I'm making effort to hang around them it's pretty much a given that I'd like more than friendship. On the other hand a girl can think a guy looks good, get along well with him, and even have that guy be one of the nicest people ever to her and she may just think of him like a brother. And you can't go out with your brother, that's just weird. Plus, on top of that, tell the guy how every person she meets treats her like shit. That's the difference. So, this is what I'm working with, always. People say act yourself and that is where it gets me. But, the alternative is to practice on ignoring people, pretending I don't care and somehow that makes a girl want me more? That's advice I get. When it's written out it sounds crazy but somehow in practice it works just fine. I'm just not willing to do that. It would be hypocritical of ME since I call all the guys that do that dicks. Can people just not be open about feelings? It seems to be the case.

How does Disney make so much money on all those cartoon romances anyway? When girls are young that's the crap they watch and think to themselves THAT is the type of guy they want. The one that is caring, compassionate, would do anything for them. The person who goes out of their way to help her. Yet when they are older and go for the opposite. Back in middleschool, sure, some girls were like that. Maybe even a few early in highschool. By the time I turned 20, the numbers have dwindled. Compliments used to do a lot, but after so many guys do it without any feelings behind it, just to get in a girls pants, I can see how they are now just taken with a grain of salt. Even so, I still want to understand where the girl's point of view is coming from. I even hear admittance about how some only date assholes, yet the pattern continues. This is very frustrating. Really. You don't even know. Especially if it's someone I like telling me stories all the time about how all these people take advantage of her, and the shit that has to be dealt with. It's like "I know how you could fix this...wink wink.....".

I'm in this position a lot where I really would like to help people out, and the best way I know how to do that is to present them with the alternative to the type of relationship they have been used to. If someone is always taken advantage of them and they constantly have to wonder "does this person just want me for sex? Does this person really care?" ....there are people who don't do that. If I'm hanging around you all the time, doing things for you all the time, listening to everything you say and actually caring about your life, and most of all not putting you in awkward positions by trying to get in your pants every second(or making any out-of-place physical contact for that matter), I'm trying to give you hints. Who the hell just comes out and texts/calls someone saying to come over and have sex? Seriously, people are doing and some people don't seem to realize(even if they aren't taking the guy up on the offer) that this guy isn't someone they should associate with. I like to think that one day the people I try so hard help will see WHY I'm trying so hard. I want other people to be happy, and I'd like to be the person to make them happy.

Back to my beginning paragraph.....I know there is someone out there.....somewhere. I'm an opitmist, and I'm sure someone will come along when I don't even expect it......maybe right around the time I give up hope(who knows.....that may be soon). In anticipation for that I have been thinking a lot about how little I do. Or rather, how little I experience. I do work a lot and go to school......so I "do" enough". So, I don't mean relationships but the world in general. I really want, over the next couple years, to do a lot of stuff on my list in my mind of things to do before I die. The list changes a lot, but I think there are plenty of ways to better yourself. One is by trying and doing/experiencing a lot of things. I've taken up skydiving already and that was a dream I had for a long time. I still would like to go out of the country, base jump, get a motorcycle!!!!!, climb a mountain, watch a sunset from on top of said mountain, as well as just get fit(I'm sure with a few more mins I could get a long list going). For now I want to work on getting in better shape. I love myself(maybe even a tad bit conceited about myself), but there are things I'd like to change. A few months ago I started working out as well as cutting out soda/juice and replacing them with water. It worked awesome, I dropped 10-15lbs and was getting a little more defined body. I liked it. Not going to lie, I looked in the mirror a lot....self-confidence is very important to me. I like to think that the only person I have to impress is myself, and I like to impress myself. The problem is I stopped it about a month or so ago. Pretty much everything is back to how I was to start. I need to get back into it and I'd love to go much further. I want to run a whole lot more, eat a whole lot better foods, and do what I can to make my body the best it can be. It's not necessarily to be more attractive to women, but so at least when I find that special someone it would almost be a gift. Like "I've been doing this all for your benefit". I'm not looking for someone who is superficial, but hey, if I can make myself even more attractive to my partner....why not? I'll track my progress on here. My scale is quite inconsistent, some digital crap scale....so I'll need another soon but for now I'm at 151.5. I'll try not to set myself up for disappointment so let's aim for being at least down to 148-149 by next sunday, that sounds good. Then maybe the following week down to 145. My target is 140 by a month, completely feasible. That was what I made it to before and I liked it :)

Anyway, this has taken a couple hours to write between this and poking around through the internet so maybe it's time for bed. Night.

Ugh

Lately I have felt really torn about someone. I met this girl my senior year of high school. From the first time I saw her I really wanted to get to talk to her but I was kind of shy. Luckily one day she was sitting behind me on a bus and introduced herself to me. From then on we always said hi in the hallways, she gave awesome hugs too, but I never really got to know her very well outside of short talks in school and such. The problem was, after her being in our school for only 2 or 3 months, she moved out of state. Surprisingly after this we talked a good amount more, I even found out she liked me this whole time(a little late to know?). It worked out well for a bit, lots of myspace messages/aim. We kept in contact. She came back a few times which was awesome to see her. This was over the course of 2-3 years. I looked for other people, had some interests but I still thought back to her now and then.
Recently I decided to visit her, about a 4 hour drive, but I haven't seen her for over a year by this point. You don't realize how much you really missed someone till they are back in front of you. She was incredible. I can't use love, because it's not, but after everything we did together I wanted to be with her. Just when I was driving, her reaching over and grabbing my hand, or when I was sitting against her couch on the floor she laid down behind my and put an arm around my neck. I just leaned my head back against her face and closed my eyes, it was something I REALLY wanted. To have someone there that I like and to get affection back.
I've pretty much avoided most relationships/physical contact with girls most of my life. I've had the opportunities, and am pretty secure with myself in saying my looks weren't hindering me from doing anything(or at least I hope not...heh), but it's something I wish I did. Just pursued SOMETHING. I get to the point where I'm now 20, and seem way off course in experience compared to other people. I'm a virgin, just hooked up with 2 girls, my first kiss wasn't even till I was 18. I'm not complaining about a lack of sex, I'm fine with that. Moreso complaining about not finding the right person by now. I feel like I just can't connect with 95% of people. When I hang around most people I don't understand their actions/thoughts. I'm very adaptable to this though and can be friends with everyone, but I've always kept only a couple close friends. There's a select few that I can say that I'd be a different person if I never met them, then there are my good friends that(not to make them sound like they don't matter, they do) that kind of just fill in space. Some of that group is included in people I don't totally connect with, but we still get along well. We could vent to each other, or mostly people vent to me because I'm not sure if I've really done that more than a handful of times in my life. We also have similar interests and can hold conversations. These people are rare to find but not as rare as the closest friends, the ones I've known for years and will always be friends with.
ANYWAY, back to the girl that moved. When I visited her there was one moment that sticks out in my mind over everything else and I think is what hangs my mind up on her more than anything. She was laying down on a motel room bed after us being at the beach half the day. It was because we were together when I booked the room, so we checked it out together before going to the movies. It was the first day I came down(stayed for 2) and up to this point the only physical contact I had was a hug when I first saw her. To skip around in the story a bit.......we were laying on the beach earlier in the day both looking at each other. I was in the middle of a sentence but was distracted by her eyes. They were beautiful. She has green eyes but around the pupil it's yellow? Amazing, I kind of stopped my sentence to tell her. So just being near her most of the day I would have been completely content with just holding her hand, It would of meant a lot.
Back to the motel. I washed my hair real quick to get rid of some sand then joined her on the bed, but I kept my distance. I knew I could have went right next to her and I'm sure she would have welcomed it but I'm kind of a nervous guy. I don't make first moves well. We talked for a while. It was really nice to finally see her after so long. After about 15-20 mins maybe of talking we got into this odd question on the form I filled out to get the room. It went something like "In case of an emergency, do you need assistance?". We got a laugh out of it going over all the possible dangerous situations we could get into there but since I answered "No" they wouldn't help me(we came to the conclusion it's for handicapped people for a fire or something). During this we heard some noises outside, she joking asked what I'd do if that was someone breaking into the room. Of course I responded with I'd have to protect her, and I gestured my body towards hers to pretend like I'm shielding her, but then went back to my position on the bed.
It was about here where she grabbed my hand, closed her eyes, and pressed the back of my hand against her cheek. That did it for me. I don't know if other people would understand this, but that's in like a top moments in my life. I just laid there for a moment looking at her, she remained at my hand tightly pressing it against her face. My heart just exploded, idk what happened with my breathing but it's almost like I forgot how to for a moment. It was irregular for a good minute. I just shifted my body next to hers and put my free arm around her. The only thing I could think of to say was how much I missed her. I meant it too. I realized it there. That was the only place I wanted to be at that moment and it was one of the best feelings to have. I don't think she knew how much that meant to me, I hope it meant something to her, but that moment is stuck in my head. There was some making out/ect. after.... but really, I prefer that closeness. I'd take hugs/cuddling any day.
The rest of the day went well, I saw her the following day for 4-5 hours then left. She even came to visit at the end of the same week. I was the first person she called and hung out with once she was here so that felt kind of special since I know she has other friends in the area. We did some hiking for a while. As we were leaving the trail I asked her to stop and just leaned over and kissed her. On the way back home she told me to stop driving at a stop sign to do the same.
I grabbed her hand and she held mine tight, us both assuming I'd be taking her home at this point......didn't really happen. We ended up hanging out much later than her parent's curfew would allow but it was well worth her parents disliking me now.
So, problem is now, she lives so far away and I think about her way too much. We're still talking but it's just not the same as being next to her. I found someone that I would date for once and it can't happen. The more I think about it the more I wish I was there, or she was here. Even so, I've tried very hard not to appear so attached to her. She knows I like her, but I really don't want to make feelings stronger for either of us if I can't always be there for her. I need to go to bed to get it off my mind, but I'm sure I will be dreaming about her. I've never really written to explain in this much detail my life but I need something to vent to. I guess......Goodnight.