It's been tough. Tonight I went to the movies with this girl and I don't know what to do anymore. It's really hard to spend so much time with someone but know you'll never actually "be" with them. I kind of wish I could just give in to friends telling me it's not worth doing so much for someone when we're not even together but when I think about it I do get something out of it. It only makes things worse but I do get something. I get something everytime I can make her smile or laugh. Just the feeling of that makes me light up inside. Problem is, it only digs me further and further in. The more time I spend with her, the more smiles she gives me, the more I can't stop thinking about it. We were watching the movie and I glanced over at her. No makeup, sweatshirt, sweatpants, and she was beautiful to me. AMAZING eyes. Pretty smile. Makes me happy to be near her. I like her, a LOT. She's one of the very few people I'm completely comfortable around. Only have 2 friends I'm more comfortable around so she's up there.... I'm kind of happy for her thoughthat after years of finding assholes she found a guy that isn't a dick and genuinely seems to like her and care about her. Problem for her is that he lives a ways away from her.
A problem kind of arises from this for me. Now I give her advice all the time, she can talk to me about anything and I don't get all weird if she is talking about other guys, I kind of just want to see her happy. At the same time though, she wants me hanging around all her friends that live by this guy. Well, as much as I care about her, do I really want to drive her somewhere to see her with another guy? I'd never show any feelings toward her about how awkward it is for me, and probably won't ever mention it to her, but at the same time I don't like always making up excuses not to go. I'd like to say "It's cause I like you and really don't feel comfortable around you when you're with someone else" but I won't. I think it goes right over her head the fact that I like her even though I tell her that any good friend a girl has, that is a guy, most likely likes her. It's how guys are. I just never finish by saying it includes me.
So.....with all that I'm still planning on leaving Feb 9. But, I'll be happy to try and get this off my mind for a bit. I'll probably miss her more than most things around, but being away, concentrating on other things will be good. It's hard to keep it up and not explode.
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